August 19, 2008
That is what I am at the moment. I’m psyched for my psychology class. I’m psyched for my art appreciation class. I’m psyched for the college experience. I’m psyched for spending time with Daddy. I’m psyched for meeting new people and getting this thing off the ground with Landon. I’m just psyched for everything.
My classes are great and I’m so excited. I have to do a portfolio for my art class on six paintings and the early Medieval times and that’s our big grade. It’s going to be great, I think. I’m not even an art person. If anything, I hate art next to history. My professor is hilarious. She teaches at one of the elementary schools and is just great.
Psychology is going to be good, too. There are a lot of really funny people in my class as well as my professor. A bunch of nurses and aviation mechanics. Haha. I’m excited.
I’m not ready to go back to high school though. I don’t know why, but I’m dreading going back. =\ I don’t know.
Well, I’m going to start my portfolio for Art and do some reading for Psych.
Love you guys. :]
August 12, 2008
Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I never slept with K. He left and turned out to be a douche bag. So yay for me having some morals left.
July 10, 2008
So I’m going to beat Dad to this one. Not to mention this is the only place and I can blog without getting bitched at about this whole thing.
My seventeenth birthday is this weekend and holy crap are my hormones raging.
There’s this kid. We can call him K. We used to work together until he had to move last month. He’s pretty and funny. God, is he hilarious. Did I mention he’s pretty? We’ve always joked around about doing it but it was never serious, really, sorta. I mean, I was halfway joking and kinda kept that side showing. Being a virgin, I’m supposed to be looking for love, right?
Well, one night before he moved all the way to Florida, K and I worked an all night thing at our job (we work at a skating rink/arcade/lazer tag) and were in the back of lazer tag and things got kind of heated. There was lots of kissing and less working. BUT nothing else happened.
I walked away with regret for the first time in my life that I didn’t sleep with him that night. I mean, he’s been a friend for a year now and I’m so comfortable with him, I mean, why NOT have sex with him?
Here’s the good news: K’s in town this week to pick up more of his stuff and we spent the first day together at my boss’s house…in the pool..alone…yeah. Use your imagination. So we talked and didn’t talk and hormones are raging.
Bad news, once again, I screwed up and left a virgin again. I made up the excuses such as “Maybe I want love” and “I’d just be a girl on your list” and “what about the other girls” and “OH yeah! You live 15 hours away now!” etc. He came back with “It’d be your birthday present” and “who cares? we’re teenagers.” and “come on? what happened to before?” (I texted him and told him about my regret) along with “even good girls got to be bad sometimes.” Still, I backed out. Crap.
I thought it about it long and hard (pun very much intended) that night and decided, why the hell do I need to be in love? What is love to a seventeen year old girl anyway? Why can’t I start a list of my own? He can just be the first name on it. 🙂 No real attachment other than the first boy to have sex with right? It’s not like he’s just some guy off the streets. He’s a person I’ve known for so long that I feel comfortable with and can imagine doing <i>it</i> with.
My friends don’t like this idea though. Apparently I should wait for someone who cares enough to go at my pace and whatnot. When I’m ready.
Okay, I think at this point, when it comes to K, I’m ready. Like Daddy said, I should go to Sam’s Club and get the big “OPEN” sign. I mean, I think I’m more ready for this than SpongeBob is for work. Seriously.
I’m a teenager. I have hormones and at this point, they’re really kicking in. He’s leaving the day after tomorrow so it’s pretty much now or a few months from now and I really don’t want to wait that long, but my friends make it seem like I’m a horrible person if I sleep with him just because he SAYS he’s slept with a lot of girls and he now lives far away. But it’s like, I’ve passed this up TWICE, should I really do it again?
fuck me. not you. him. :]
January 21, 2008
Whatever it is, whenever it gets here, I’m ready. We can take on the world at this point. It took a year and a half for someone to come along to make me feel like I can really open up again and fall in love. What’s another two years? I think I can wait.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love him and I’m still hanging on, no matter how much he tries to sink my boat, but only by a little. Any given Sunday right? I have those days where I can’t even get out of bed and it’s like “You’re a bitch, I hate you for making me fall in love with you.” I don’t want to eat or sleep or get out of bed or anything. And it’s those days that give me hope. Hope that someone will come along and throw that thread of him out of my hand and give me a new ball of yarn to hang onto. If I can survive those days, by God, I can survive anything. He’s got his new girls coming and going and each time I’m a little less jealous and a little more there for him. I know what it’s like to need someone after you’re heart feels like it’s been ripped to pieces, even if it was him who did to me.
In the end that’s what we want: happiness. Not for us, but for them. It’s why we were with them in the first place–to make them as happy as we could, even if we failed. When someone comes along who does a much better job than we did, all we can do is smile and encourage them. And if, and when, that person drops the one we love, we have to stand at their rock bottom, waiting, with arms wide open to catch them. We may not be the ones to make them happy in the way we want to, but we can definitely be a good friend.
Until that person who comes along that makes me say “I love you” and mean it in that “true-love-you’re-amazing-you-give-me-a-million-butterflies” way, I’m going to work at making things right where it needs to be fixed. I’ve other things that need my attention, school, friends, family, etc. I’m focused and determined to make things work. I want to pull myself together where it needs pulling together, and right now, love and stuff, isn’t that place. When that person comes along, I’ll be willing to add another place to work and focus and make work. I’ll be ready. I’ll be waiting.
December 31, 2007
First off, I’d like to take the time to wish everyone a Happy New Year’s Eve. I hope everyone has had a great holiday season.
Now, It’s almost 8 which means there’s a little more than 4 hours until the end of the year 2007. Let me just say, wow. This year has been a very tough one. It has also been one for growing and learning for me. I’ve had my eyes opened to new things and I’m sixteen and halfway through my junior year in high school. It’s crazy. This year I got my first job, started driving, turned sixteen, fell in love, had my heartbroken, lost a couple people close to me, traveled a little bit, and lived a little more.
This year has gone by so fast. I can’t believe it’s gone already. Honestly, I’m scared. I don’t know what the new year has in store for me. I do know that it means only one year until I’m finished with high school. I have at least 8 classes left to complete before it’s over. And that’s if I do early graduation. 2008 also means driver’s license and turning seventeen. One year until eighteen. Legality. Four years being North Carolina and six years since I left Kentucky. Applying to college and preparing to be away from my family.
It also means a new president and getting used to new things. Hopefully reform and improvement in our country.
Three hundred sixty six days (leap year) of endless possibilities and the unknown. Three hundred sixty six days to pull myself together and improve myself. To get over stupid teenage girl feelings for a stupid boy. Three hundred sixty six days to fall in love again. To enjoy my family more and appreciate the small things in life.
In the last three hundred sixty five days, I’ve learned to take risks and it’s okay to not be good at something. I’ve learned the responsibility of having a job and the luxury of having my own money. I can splurge on myself and not feel guilty. I’ve learned more about politics and history. In 2007, I wore my heart on my sleeve for a boy. I learned there are some guys worth fighting for. But only a little. I felt the feeling of a million butterflies in my stomach and the pain of heartbreak and death. I know what it’s like to deal with a death-by-suicide. I know what it’s like feel like the world is on your shoulders. I know what’s it’s like to grow up a little more.
I’ve grown a little more, learned a lot, and loved some more. I have to say, 2007 has definitely been the best year ever.
Hopefully, 2008 will be even better.
Happy New Year, everyone. Be safe. Have a designated driver and don’t party too hard. =]
Write you next year.
August 9, 2007
The car from my past, the one that the Grim Reaper himself now drove, passed me the other day and I knew it was time. That was the moment I truly realized I believe in angels. I’m not big on religion or God or any of that stuff, but I truly believe in angels. Not the harp playing ones assisting the God I have trouble believing in when we go to Heaven, but angels who are beings that have a sole purpose: to guide us through life. My grandmother was mine. Even now she’s gone, I know she’s still my guardian angel guarding me from harm and guiding me through this journey through life.
July 28, 2007
I just read something that really disturbed me. Something about some guy taking over the sex education stuff in Texas or some place. Abstinence is the only way to go until marriage.
Excuse my French, but, Bullshit.
My teenager instincts say, “What if the sex is bad? You can’t get out of it because you’ve already tied yourself down by getting married. You’re stuck that way.”
Personally, I’m not waiting for marriage. I’m also not going to go whore myself around. I want to be in love, or at least really comfortable with the person. There have only been two people I could even picture myself “doing the deed” with. One of which I’ve begun to question. Actually, both of them come to think of it.
But that’s me, being safe. Watching out for me. That’s the mature side of me that apparently doesn’t exist to some people. Read the rest of this entry »
July 25, 2007
I really haven’t updated in a while. That’s due to technical difficulties. *mumbles* Stupid viruses.
Anyway, lots of new stuff happening. Good things and bad things. All below the fold.
July 12, 2007
To me =]
It’s my sweet sixteen.
Yeah, I’m awesome.
June 11, 2007
Let me have a quick teenager moment and just say “OMG!!”
Okay, that’s done. Now, onto why I’m OMGing…
Eragon is my new literature crush. Before, it was Draco Malfoy of the Harry Potter series, but until July 21, Eragon is my new love. I just finished the first book in the Inheritance trilogy. The second one is Eldest and the last is still unknown. Word on the web is it’s coming out NEXT YEAR!!! AHH!! It’s killing me going ten minutes without this series, let alone waiting a whole year.