April 25, 2007

The Almighty Part 2

Posted in God, Life at 3:07 am by Kaylaface.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I question myself and my faith all the time, and I have since she died. But now it’s even worse. I blame everything on God, when half the time I say I don’t even believe. I just wish she’d come down and help me. She put the faith in me, then when she died, so did my faith. I want to believe in God for her. Because I know if I believe in God, then I believe she’s really truly happy. I said some things that I shouldn’t have and then someone said some other things that really made me think and cry.

“You never would have questioned your faith if we never moved”

And she’s right. For the first 10 years of my life I had God. He meant a lot to me. Sometimes, though, I think he meant a lot to me because he meant a lot to her. I’ve blamed him every since she died. He took her from me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to see her suffer, but I didn’t want her dead either.

“She told me she wasn’t afraid to die. She was going to be with her mommy. So I never questioned it and I never blamed him. Auntie said she saw Granny come down and take her home.”

I want to know that if there is a God, that when it’s my time to go, I won’t be afraid and she’ll come get me. I want to know that she’ll be there to hold me again. I want to know that she’s happy and not suffering anymore. I feel so horrible right now. I wish she’d come home and tell me it’s going to be alright. And I know a lot of people tell me that everyday, but it seems like at this point, only her words matter. Her words that I’ll never hear again.

“If she could whisper in your ear, she’d tell you it’s going to be okay and she loves you.”

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2 Comments »

  1. WhoreChurch said,

    Kayla,

    This totally sucks. I feel for you. I feel for your cousin. At some level we may understand a god-being, but the god-being seems pretty hard to define. At least you know how to think. Knowing how to think makes it possible for you to find your own answers. That may not be much comfort right now, but it will eventually be.

    I hope that doesn’t seem like platitude to you.

    I wish you the best,

    Kevin

  2. Thanks Kevin. That actually does mean a lot to me. =) I still haven’t found any answers, but at least I’m asking important questions. You’re right, I do know how to think, but sometimes I wish didn’t.

    Again, thank you.

    Kaylaface.


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