July 10, 2008

Holy Crap. I’m growing up.

Posted in Life, Love, Personal, Sex at 12:06 am by Kaylaface.

So I’m going to beat Dad to this one. Not to mention this is the only place and I can blog without getting bitched at about this whole thing.

My seventeenth birthday is this weekend and holy crap are my hormones raging.

There’s this kid. We can call him K. We used to work together until he had to move last month. He’s pretty and funny. God, is he hilarious. Did I mention he’s pretty? We’ve always joked around about doing it but it was never serious, really, sorta. I mean, I was halfway joking and kinda kept that side showing. Being a virgin, I’m supposed to be looking for love, right?

Well, one night before he moved all the way to Florida, K and I worked an all night thing at our job (we work at a skating rink/arcade/lazer tag) and were in the back of lazer tag and things got kind of heated. There was lots of kissing and less working. BUT nothing else happened.

I walked away with regret for the first time in my life that I didn’t sleep with him that night. I mean, he’s been a friend for a year now and I’m so comfortable with him, I mean, why NOT have sex with him?

Here’s the good news: K’s in town this week to pick up more of his stuff and we spent the first day together at my boss’s house…in the pool..alone…yeah. Use your imagination. So we talked and didn’t talk and hormones are raging.

Bad news, once again, I screwed up and left a virgin again. I made up the excuses such as “Maybe I want love” and “I’d just be a girl on your list” and “what about the other girls” and “OH yeah! You live 15 hours away now!” etc. He came back with “It’d be your birthday present” and “who cares? we’re teenagers.” and “come on? what happened to before?” (I texted him and told him about my regret) along with “even good girls got to be bad sometimes.” Still, I backed out. Crap.

I thought it about it long and hard (pun very much intended) that night and decided, why the hell do I need to be in love? What is love to a seventeen year old girl anyway? Why can’t I start a list of my own? He can just be the first name on it. 🙂 No real attachment other than the first boy to have sex with right? It’s not like he’s just some guy off the streets. He’s a person I’ve known for so long that I feel comfortable with and can imagine doing <i>it</i> with.

My friends don’t like this idea though. Apparently I should wait for someone who cares enough to go at my pace and whatnot. When I’m ready.

Okay, I think at this point, when it comes to K, I’m ready. Like Daddy said, I should go to Sam’s Club and get the big “OPEN” sign. I mean, I think I’m more ready for this than SpongeBob is for work. Seriously.

I’m a teenager. I have hormones and at this point, they’re really kicking in. He’s leaving the day after tomorrow so it’s pretty much now or a few months from now and I really don’t want to wait that long, but my friends make it seem like I’m a horrible person if I sleep with him just because he SAYS he’s slept with a lot of girls and he now lives far away. But it’s like, I’ve passed this up TWICE, should I really do it again?

fuck me. not you. him. :]


January 21, 2008

It’s Coming.

Posted in Friends, Life, Love, Personal at 12:59 am by Kaylaface.

Whatever it is, whenever it gets here, I’m ready. We can take on the world at this point. It took a year and a half for someone to come along to make me feel like I can really open up again and fall in love. What’s another two years? I think I can wait.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love him and I’m still hanging on, no matter how much he tries to sink my boat, but only by a little. Any given Sunday right? I have those days where I can’t even get out of bed and it’s like “You’re a bitch, I hate you for making me fall in love with you.” I don’t want to eat or sleep or get out of bed or anything. And it’s those days that give me hope. Hope that someone will come along and throw that thread of him out of my hand and give me a new ball of yarn to hang onto. If I can survive those days, by God, I can survive anything. He’s got his new girls coming and going and each time I’m a little less jealous and a little more there for him. I know what it’s like to need someone after you’re heart feels like it’s been ripped to pieces, even if it was him who did to me.

In the end that’s what we want: happiness. Not for us, but for them. It’s why we were with them in the first place–to make them as happy as we could, even if we failed. When someone comes along who does a much better job than we did, all we can do is smile and encourage them. And if, and when, that person drops the one we love, we have to stand at their rock bottom, waiting, with arms wide open to catch them. We may not be the ones to make them happy in the way we want to, but we can definitely be a good friend.

Until that person who comes along that makes me say “I love you” and mean it in that “true-love-you’re-amazing-you-give-me-a-million-butterflies” way, I’m going to work at making things right where it needs to be fixed. I’ve other things that need my attention, school, friends, family, etc. I’m focused and determined to make things work. I want to pull myself together where it needs pulling together, and right now, love and stuff, isn’t that place. When that person comes along, I’ll be willing to add another place to work and focus and make work. I’ll be ready. I’ll be waiting.